The Perfect Relationship?

The Perfect Relationship?

Our Wedding Day - August 12th, 2006

We are sometimes blown away by the remarks we receive from our friends and contacts on social media, when people comment on our posts. 
Here are some of the recent ones: 

"You two have the best life."

"You guys are funny."

"The world needs more people like you and Mark"

"You are lucky to have each other!"

"We know you both are very blessed."

"Ahh, you all look so happy!"

"I love your lives!"

"You're living the dream!"

"You guys have so much fun!"

When reading these comments, we realize that these wonderful people may have come to the conclusion (and many have told us) that they believe we live a charmed life and that we have the perfect relationship. 

Viewing our social media presence, perhaps they have drawn the inference that we are eternally happy because we only post about the best of times. We don't 'air our dirty laundry' on Facebook (or elsewhere), because, from very early on, we decided that, in the face of so much negativity, polarization, and yes- sometimes downright rudeness, that is apparent on social media - we would endeavour to uplift our internet companions through pictures of the beauty of the natural world that we encounter, through positive commenting, and through our sense of humour. 

That being said, we do tend to be in sync with each other for most of the time, and so the experiences we share do reflect our general outlook upon life. 

So, how is it that we have arrived at this stage in our lives together? 

A few years ago, we came across a way of looking at ourselves, and the world, that completely changed our perspective. What follows may not resonate with you, and that is fine: if so, just gently lay this aside. We offer this, not with the intention of convincing anyone, but to share what we have found to be true for us. 

We have embraced the belief that each person has two aspects in their makeup - the physical, and the non-physical. Some people may call the latter aspect, 'the soul'. Others may call it, 'the Divine or the God within'. We like to refer to it as our Inner Being. It doesn't matter what label is assigned to this non-physical part of our personality, but we have discovered that it matters very much that the two aspects are in sync with each other in order to have inner harmony, clarity, and a joyful life experience. 

We also have come to know that our emotions are our indicators of how close or how far apart those two facets are at any time in our daily experience. In other words, when our physical and non-physical aspects are aligned, we feel positive emotions; when they are not, it shows up as negative emotion. 

Understanding our emotions

As a result, we now understand that unconditional love means that, regardless of the conditions or circumstances that may be happening around us, we can always choose to focus upon a thought that brings the two parts of who we are back into alignment. Conditional love means that we are just being observers of circumstances and, as a result, we fall into knee-jerk reactions to what we are seeing and hearing. This puts us at the mercy of the conditions around us. Things tend to get better and better if the conditions are favourable; and they get worse and worse when the conditions are not to our liking. On those times when we allow ourselves to fall back into the latter habits, we then attempt to control the conditions outside of us - which is an impossible task. We have come to realize that the only thing we can truly control is our response to what we are observing - what we choose to focus upon and give our attention to. 

So often, in the past, whenever Mark or I felt 'off', we looked outside of ourselves for the reason - often blaming one another because of a remark, or an action that the other had presented. 

Worse still, we can fall into blaming ourselves. 

Now, we realize that the way we feel has nothing to do with what anyone else is saying or doing... rather, it is an indication of the closeness or distance between these two aspects of ourselves, the physical and the non-physical, and so we have the power to change our perspective without holding the other responsible for how we feel. It is very freeing for both of us to realize that we have let each other off the hook - we don't hold each other responsible for our happiness.

 

So, the real 'perfect relationship' is the one that each of us has with our Inner Being...and when we get that right, everything else falls into place. Conversely, when we don't, then we find more and more to complain about, and things spiral from bad to worse. We know - we've been there! 

In so many ways, our friends and contacts on social media are right. Our relationship is truly wonderful - because, like all relationships, it includes ups and downs, moments of joy and moments of annoyance, times of elation and times of boredom, instances when we are rapturous in each other's company, and instances when we are out of sync with each other. 

The beautiful thing is that when we find ourselves out of sync with one another, both Mark and I know what to do about it, and can bring ourselves back into alignment fairly quickly without either of us sacrificing our integrity, authenticity, or independence. This may account for the happiness that people pick up upon when they interact with us. It's because we each prioritize the most important relationship - which is the one with our innermost selves - knowing that that is who we really are. We can always find our way back home - to who we really are.

Next year, we will have been together for 30 years (Mark likes to say, '30 LONG years!!!')

Maybe we'll have a short renewal-of-vows ceremony that will reflect this way of thinking...and it might look something like this:

On this day, my promise to you is that I will always endeavour to look for the best that is within you, and that I will strive to remember that my happiness is my responsibility.

I promise that I will always make it my intention to look to my own alignment with who I really am, so that I can appreciate the fullness of who you are. 

Together, let us grow in unconditional love for one another and encourage each other to be the very best that we can be.

Celebrating our 25th in Barrie, Ontario (2017)

Celebrating our 25th in Elliot Lake, 2017

With all our love, 

Alan and Mark