I grew up with the
understanding that if I could please the people around me, this was a sign of
success. I would find myself changing my behaviour to match the requirement of
the person with whom I was interacting. I told myself that I was ‘keeping the
peace’, ‘making people feel good about themselves’, or ‘being flexible’. It did
seem to work for a time, but it was exhausting!
This starts very
early for most of us. Our well-meaning parents and teachers smile at us when we
offer behaviour which they find pleasing; and withhold their smiles when we
offer something that is not pleasing to them. We love the feeling of approval
when someone flows their love towards us…. and so we strive to repeat the
behaviour in order to experience that flow once again. Before we know it, we
have fallen into a pattern of being people-pleasers.
I believe it may have been Sir Winston Churchill who once said, 'You can please some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time.... but you cannot please all of the people, all of the time'. I have come to realize that you can't actually please even one person all of the time.
Different people
require different things from us. We find that we have to be willing to ‘jump
different hurdles’ to meet with their approval. Problem: when we have mastered
one set of expectations, they up and change their requirements! When we continually accommodate our behaviour
in order to make others happy, then gradually, piece by piece, we lose the
reality of who we are. We can keep it up indefinitely, but at what cost to our
own mental and emotional health and growth?
There is always the
hidden dread that we may one day find ourselves in the company of several
people, each requiring a different set of behaviours from me, all at the same
time, in the same room. How would I react then?
Once I embraced my
truth that I had not come in to this life to make the happiness of those around
me dependent upon me, I found a sense of freedom. Sure, it meant that I had to
give up seeking the approval of others but that, in and of itself, gave me a
sense of relief. It also meant that I would sometimes meet with the disapproval
of others, but it was more satisfying to live with greater authenticity.
Someone once said
to me that other people’s opinions of me is none of my business. Since then, I
have heard this advice often, though maybe in slightly different ways. The
freedom that comes with developing a sense of self-worth that is not dependent
upon the whims and expectations of others is something to be treasured.
I am attempting to
incorporate the idea and adopt the attitude that, with regards to people’s
comments about me, or my behaviour, ‘Praise and Blame – they’re all the same’.
If I can retain my
equilibrium regardless of the conditions around me – including the opinions of
my companions on this journey of life – then I will come to know that I don’t
have to wait for any conditions to change in order to be at peace within
myself. I will be able to maintain the alignment with the best that is within
me, and will finally be practicing unconditional love.
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Solutions 4 U !
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Solutions 4 U !
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