TWO EARS,
ONE MOUTH
When I was
teaching in Elementary School, I participated in something called TRIBES - a tool
which helps to build a cooperative community in the classroom. I attended a
two-day course along with other teachers to learn the philosophy and principles
that would enable me to implement it successfully into my classroom. The
difference this made to the students in my class was significant and impressive
– and this overflowed into other areas, including academic performance, and
behaviour management.
Basically,
the TRIBES system had four ‘Agreements’ to which everyone (including the teacher)
would accept and strive to attain. One of the agreements was – Attentive Listening.
At the
beginning of the year, I would ask for a volunteer (usually a confident
student) and would demonstrate two modes of listening. The students would sit
in a circle, and the volunteer would sit in the middle with me, face-to-face.
He/She would be asked to share something that they had done during the summer
holiday.
During the
sharing, I would look at my watch, look around the room, yawn, and lean back on
my chair – in other words, I would not really be paying attention to the
speaker. After a minute or two, I would ask the volunteer how they felt.
Usually, they would indicate that they felt that what they had to say was not
important – that I wasn’t really listening, and that I was bored. It made them
feel that they didn’t want to elaborate on what they were sharing. They, themselves, felt
uncomfortable and unimportant.
We would
then immediately repeat the exercise with the same volunteer, but this time, I
would maintain eye contact, lean slightly forward towards the speaker, and
punctuate what was being said with a few encouraging, positive murmurs (uh huh, oh?, wow - you get the idea) – without interrupting
the flow of the sharing. Without fail, there was more elaboration, more detail,
and more animated sharing as a result, and they would always report that they
really felt that I was interested and cared about what they were saying. They felt
a sense of importance and had the experience of being heard.
During the
debriefing session, I would then ask the students in the circle what they
observed about me as the listener in both of the sessions, and we would discuss the effect of body language upon those with whom we interact.
From this,
we would practice Attentive Listening – focusing upon our body language, and
our attitude. I would hold up the ideal of listening with our ears, our minds,
and our hearts – especially with our hearts - so that we could try to find out
what the other ‘heart’ was trying to communicate.
I don’t know
about you, but I have often felt that people I have been talking to have not
really been listening. They may be looking at me with their eyes, but I can
sense that their thoughts are elsewhere. Whenever I experience that, I feel a
sense of ‘shutting down’ inside and it doesn’t feel good. I ask myself if I
have ever communicated that same kind of disinterest when listening to others – and was not
happy with my answer!
It is not
easy to listen attentively – especially with distractions all around us. I may endeavour to listen carefully to someone, but then another person
mentions my name, or converses with someone about a subject of great interest
to me, and my thoughts divert away from my conversation. However, the moment I
take my attention elsewhere, I have communicated (usually non-verbally) my
disinterest in the person who is entrusting me with a part of their lives.
Internal
distractions are even harder to control. How often have I caught myself
thinking of what I want to say next in the conversation, instead of listening
and valuing what the person is saying.
One of our
friends had an incredible gift of making me feel important – each time I spoke
with him. This was evident when, on occasions, he would be directly interrupted
by a third person and would momentarily be involved with that person. However,
he would immediately return to our conversation and repeat the last sentence I
had spoken. Not just some general comment like, ‘So, you were saying……), but
specific, ‘So, you were saying that….). It was so noticeable that he had really
been giving me 100% of his attention. It felt wonderful to be validated. You
can imagine how much respect I have for him. I strive to be more like him in
this regard. It is not only children who need to feel valued.
Some people
have a natural talent of listening – really listening – to people so that they
feel that they are being heard. Some of us have to work at it but, once
achieved, it becomes a wonderful gift to offer to others - the gift of being heard.
I’ve often
heard people say, we have two ears and only one mouth, therefore we should listen twice
as much as we speak.
Maybe it’s time for us all to listen more and speak less.
We never know what we may learn!
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